


my love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball

by hybridempress



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brainwashing, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Analysis, Chipped Catra (She-Ra), Episode: s05e05 Save The Cat, F/F, Songfic, thanks noelle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:13:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26057794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hybridempress/pseuds/hybridempress
Summary: She struggles against him and tries desperately to call for help, but the only sound that escapes her lips is a ragged sob. He forces her under the liquid and holds her down. She claws fearfully at the hand holding her under, gasping for breath as the liquid enters her lungs and starts burning.When she has no fight left in her, she closes her eyes and lets the liquid take her, drown her, and make her reborn.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 92





	my love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball

_i was a heavy heart to carry, my beloved was weighed down_

_my arms around his neck, my fingers laced to crown_

_i was a heavy heart to carry, my feet dragged across the ground_

_and he took me to the river where he slowly let me drown_

Catra knew from the moment she had decided she would do one good thing in her life that it would be the last thing she’d ever do, but she did not go down easy. If there was one thing she was good at, it was making things more painful than they had to be. She kicks and claws at Horde Prime’s soldiers as they drag her away from his throne, trying to convince herself that there is still a way out. That she could get back to that transport somehow and then at least if she had to die, it would be in the unforgiving embrace of space, and not in the sickly sweet arms of a man who believed he had made her _pure._

And for a moment, she almost sees hope for escape. She manages to get a claw into the port on the back of one of their necks, and he goes down. It is far easier to escape the grasp of one soulless husk than the grasp of two. But as she runs across the bridge, towards the door, she begins to think too hard about what she is running to. It is easy to proclaim that you would rather die than become a slave when a man has you on your knees with his boot under your chin. But the reality hits you like a knife in your chest, causes you to stumble backward and fall when you realize that no matter where you die, you will always die alone, and no one will mourn you. No one will even notice you are gone. 

She is only halfway across the bridge when her legs give out and she is on her knees once more. The soldiers that surround her seem to manifest out of nowhere, closing in on her like a creeping darkness. Still, she tries to fight as they raise her by her arms and carry her away, the claws on her feet trying to find some purchase on the metal floor beneath her. 

They take her to the room with the pool full of that thick, electric green liquid, and as they drag her towards the incline that descends into it, she begins to quake. She doesn’t know what will happen when they force her into it. She isn’t like them; she isn’t built to connect to this _hivemind_ that they share. She remembers the blankness in Hordak’s visage after he came out of the pool last time she saw him, and she knows that she will share the same blankness soon, only there will be nothing that comes after to replace it.

She is thrown to the ground before the pool, still restrained, forced to her knees once more. Out of the corner of her eyes, she sees the hooded figures that circle the edge of the room, and she feels more soldiers closing in on her. She hears his voice coming from behind her.

“I must apologize in advance, little sister. I wish it need not be this way, but because your body is not born in my image, you must suffer twice as much to become wholly purified.”

She lets out a shrill cry of pain as one of the clones grabs hold of her hair and yanks it upwards.

The hooded figures begin their chanting once again.

_“All beings must suffer to become pure! All beings must suffer to become pure! All beings must suffer to become pure!”_

She feels a sharp intake of breath in her throat as another clone wraps his hand around her neck and a searing pain pulses through her like something has attached itself to her body and is draining the life from her. She whines helplessly, blood roaring in her ears as she tries desperately to cling to a consciousness which she feels quickly slipping away from her, replaced by louder echoes of the hooded figures’ chants. 

She feels Horde Prime’s arms around her, enveloping her. She doesn’t know how she can tell that they’re his. All she knows is that she feels safe in them. She knows nothing can harm her as long as she is within them. She desperately wants to become pure for him. 

He slips one arm under her legs and lifts her from the ground. She curls into him, wrapping her arms around his neck as he brings her to the edge of the pool. But as he lowers her into the liquid and she feels its poison against her skin, she begins to panic again. She doesn’t know why she feels so strongly towards him but she knows that it is wrong. She knows she isn’t herself. She knows that if he goes through with this, she will lose herself forever. 

She struggles against him and tries desperately to call for help, but the only sound that escapes her lips is a ragged sob. He forces her under the liquid and holds her down. She claws fearfully at the hand holding her under, gasping for breath as the liquid enters her lungs and starts burning. 

Part of her keeps holding onto the sliver of what she can only describe as hope that any second now, Adora will show up. Adora will come back for her. Adora will play savior the way she always does, and this time, Catra will be grateful for it. This time, she will not tell Adora that she doesn’t need her, or that she doesn’t want her.

But Adora does not come, and Catra knows the reason why. She saved Glimmer for a reason, after all. She knows that Horde Prime will destroy Adora if he gets his hands on her, and she knows that Adora does not care about her anymore. She knows that her apology fell on deaf ears. She just hopes that sending Glimmer back is the thing that keeps Adora alive.

When she has no fight left in her, she closes her eyes and lets the liquid take her, drown her, and make her reborn. 

_my love has concrete feet, my love’s an iron ball_

_wrapped around your ankles over the waterfall_

Adora feels a tightness in her chest when she watches Bow take Glimmer’s hands into his own as a promise that he accepts her apology, and that he will forgive her when he is ready. She always thought that when Catra finally apologized to her, it would be through vague and reluctant teasing; an admission of guilt only in actions but never in words. And Adora, knowing her well enough to know that this was how Catra showed sincerity, would accept those actions. Would forgive her. Would tell Catra that she was sorry, too, but that they were going to get better together, and that nothing was going to separate them again. 

Never in her most horrible nightmares did she think it would be so sudden. That it would be through pained, frustrated growls as Catra tried to fight Horde soldiers off of her. That her voice would be desperate, shaking and cracking, probably believing those would be the last words she ever spoke to Adora. That the transmission would end before Adora could say anything back to her.

_“Just listen! Adora—! I’m **sorry!** For **everything!** ”_

Adora can’t get the words out of her head, and the more she thinks about them, the more feels like she has failed. How is she going to be able to save all of Etheria if she couldn’t even save Catra? What would be the point if Catra wasn’t there with them at the end of it? 

She takes a deep breath that comes out as a sigh and turns back to the window, gazing out as if she would be able to see Horde Prime’s ship in the distance. The thought that Catra may not even be _alive_ anymore starts to flood her mind and she tries to think of anything she can do to convince herself that she is wrong.

She is startled out of her thoughts when she hears Glimmer’s voice beside her.

“Adora, are you okay?”

She feels Glimmer’s hand on her shoulder and forces herself to look at Glimmer, to register the question she’s been asked. “...Yeah, I just…”

She sighs again and turns away, looking out the window once more. There is one conclusion that she keeps coming back to. She has to find out if Catra managed to evade Prime’s wrath once more, or if she is gone for good. She isn’t entirely sure that she wants to know the answer, but if there is even a chance that she can still get Catra back, she has to take it. That is the only solution. She doesn’t care what it costs.

“Look, I know this is going to sound crazy, and dangerous, and Catra was our enemy, and she’s done _a lot_ of bad things and hurt _a lot_ of people, but—”

She doesn’t have time to dance around her request any longer as Glimmer grabs her shoulder again and smiles at her with a look of understanding that Adora has never seen from anyone else in her life. She doesn’t know what makes Glimmer’s understanding so deep, or why it makes her heart falter before starting to beat faster, but she is so grateful for it. “You wanna go back for her.”

The dam inside Adora’s heart begins to crack and her emotions start to trickle out. She whimpers an agreement, nodding her head as she uses all of her willpower to stop her eyes from welling up with tears. There is virtually no point, as she knows that Glimmer will be able to tell by the quiet raspiness of her voice. “I can’t just leave her there. I have to try.”

_i’m so heavy, heavy, heavy in your arms_

_i’m so heavy, heavy, heavy in your arms_

When Catra awakes, she is once again in Horde Prime’s arms. She cannot think of anything but the way his hands feel on her shoulders: soft as though she is something precious to him, but firm as if to remind her not to stray from her place. When she realizes that she has been purified and that she can feel nothing but Horde Prime’s overwhelming power, remembers nothing but his mercy, she is filled with a joy so resounding that it makes her want to fall to his feet and weep openly in thanks. But when she sees herself in the reflection of the mirror that she and Horde Prime are standing together in front of, she feels equally as much shame that her form still does not resemble his. There is too much individuality in her appearance. Too much impurity.

She protracts her claws and begins to sob, raising her hands with the intent of bringing them down on her wretched body, but Horde Prime catches them and holds them gently in his own. Confused, Catra continues to cry, but she relaxes her arms in Horde Prime’s grip. He lowers her arms to her side and holds them there, and she turns her head to look at him.

“There is no need to be so violent with yourself, little sister. You have been purified. I have forgiven you. You need not face any more punishment or suffering.”

“But I’m wrong! I’m all wrong!” Catra bawls. “Isn’t it wrong for me to look this way? It makes me remember all of the shadows…”

Horde Prime turns her to face him and cups her chin in his hand. He smiles benevolently at her and relief washes over her again. She closes her eyes and leans into his touch.

“Worry not, little sister. I would not let you suffer in this way. There are garments made just for you waiting in your new chambers. We’ll fix this unsightly hair of yours as well. You’ll look just like your brothers. Then you will truly be at peace.”

She does not know how much time passes as she is led from the room with the mirror to the room that will be her new sleeping quarters. She is overcome with euphoria at the idea that soon she will no longer have to remember that she used to be Catra, and she will no longer have to remember the people who hurt her or the people she hurt in return. She wants to cry out in rapture knowing that she will be born completely anew in Horde Prime’s image, completely overtaken by his light.

When she reaches her chambers, her brothers strip the rags from her body and clothe her in the attire that had been prepared for her. They sit her on a stool and trim her hair until the nape of her neck and the chip that had been planted there are visible, then style it until it resembles the other soldiers as much as it can. When she sees herself again, she wraps her arms around herself and hugs her shoulders tightly, laughing with the happiness and innocence of a young child. She feels whole in a way that she has never felt before. 

_and is it worth the wait, all this killing time?_

_are you strong enough to stand protecting both your heart and mine?_

_who is the betrayer? who’s the killer in the crowd?_

_the one who creeps in corridors and doesn’t make a sound_

Catra did not want to remember Adora. In fact, the sudden and blinding pain that came from remembering the cause of all her anguish before she was purified causes Catra to be released very briefly from Horde Prime’s blissful control. Just long enough to frantically call out Adora’s name. Her eyes dart around aimlessly searching for Adora until Horde Prime regains control of her. She is terrified until she hears his gentle voice in her head.

_“Adora can no longer hurt you, little sister. The turmoil she caused you, I have taken away. The pieces she broke from you, I have collected and made whole again. The love she selfishly took from you, I now selflessly give back to you. She has no power over you. She is but a shadow that my light has cast out.”_

Catra wraps her arms around herself and hugs herself tightly again, smiling and purring as she listens to him. All of her pain melts away again. Adora becomes a ghost expelled from Catra’s mind through Horde Prime’s grace. 

_“Of course, Lord Prime. Forgive me for ever doubting you,”_ she whispers back to him.

_“You are forgiven, little sister. But perhaps you may consider forgiving Adora, as well. The poor girl does not yet know of my light. If you could teach her, you could save her. If she sees how happy you are, perhaps she will follow you into my legion. What do you say, little sister? Do you think you could become Adora’s guide into the light?”_

_“Everyone will know your light eventually, Lord Prime. It is only a matter of time. If you wish for me to be a guide for others, I will happily accept the job.”_

_“Excellent. You are doing so well for me, little sister. Come to me now. Let us show Adora the beauty of my light.”_

Catra is led by her brothers to Horde Prime’s throne room, the hood of her cloak covering her freshly cut hair and shadowing the green glaze in her eyes. She hears Horde Prime’s voice again as she walks up the stairs—this time not in her head, but from his mouth as he sits atop his throne. “Come here, child.”

She stands at the edge of the stairs, her brothers on either side of her, her eyes closed. She knows that when she opens them, she will see Adora again. She braces herself for the moment, consoling herself by remembering that she belongs to Horde Prime. She knows that whatever happens next, he will not let Adora break her again.

She opens her eyes, pulls her hood down, and smiles serenely. “Hello, Adora.”

Adora stares at her with fear and agony. She briefly remembers feeling that same fear and agony. She starts to feel it again when Adora runs towards her, but her brothers protect her. They catch Adora and she screams at them as they restrain her. She pays Adora no mind as she walks to Horde Prime’s throne and falls to the ground in front of it, showing Adora that she has given herself entirely to him, and there is nothing Adora can do to reach her.

“I have made her anew,” Horde Prime tells Adora. He rises from his throne to meet Catra. “I saw her mind, so ensnared in rage and grief and pain, and I brought her to the light.” He offers his hand to her and she takes it. He helps her rise to her feet and holds her, and she is reassured once again that he will let nothing happen to her. “Isn’t that right, little sister?”

Catra hears Adora scream at her again. “Catra! You have to fight it!”

Finally, Catra feels strong enough to face Adora. The idea that she had anything she needed to fight against was almost laughable. With Horde Prime’s arms still around her, she turns to look at Adora. “My place is with Horde Prime, Adora. I don’t want to leave.”

“Tell her what I’ve done for you,” Horde Prime requests, and Catra knows that he is also requesting she show him her loyalty. She knows that he will keep her safe, but he needs to know that she trusts him. That she is strong enough to stand with him.

“Prime has given me peace,” she says, leaving Horde Prime’s side to approach Adora. “Something you could never do.” She leans down so that she is at eye level with Adora as she caresses Adora’s cheek with the palm of her hand. “You broke my heart, but he has made it whole again. Don’t you see? This is for the best. I’m happy here.” She moves her hand from Adora’s cheek to the juncture between her neck and shoulder. She knows it is time to begin the job Horde Prime assigned her too. “You could be happy, too.” 

Tears pool in Adora’s eyes and begin to stream down her cheeks. Catra cannot understand why Adora isn’t happy for her. She starts to wonder if Adora has always been so selfish, but she does not want to dive so far into the memories of the life she once lived. She does not want to have to cast those shadows out again. 

“Let her go!” Adora commands.

Suddenly, Catra feels Horde Prime’s hand on her neck. Something is different about his grip on her this time. It is not soft or kind. It is not protective. It makes her feel like she has disappointed him, somehow. She feels that he is angry with her, and she is petrified. 

“Shall we make a deal, Adora? I shall give her to you— _if_ you want her—but first, you must do something for me. You will give me She-Ra.”

Catra watches Adora’s resolve harden and her glare sharpen. _“Never,”_ she spits out.

Catra feels her own heartbeat quicken. Blood starts to roar in her ears again. She does not hear the rest of the conversation that Horde Prime and Adora have. Her heart shatters into a thousand pieces as she realizes that she is not precious to Horde Prime. Horde Prime does not love her. She is merely bait he is using to lure in the person he truly wants, but it is fruitless. He believed he could trade her to Adora for She-Ra, but Adora does not want her, either. There isn’t anyone in the whole universe who does.

She feels Horde Prime’s claws digging into the chip on her neck, and for a moment, her connection to the hivemind is gone again. She sees Adora on her knees and is immediately filled with fear and confusion. She vaguely remembers the thoughts that had just been running through her head, but she does not have enough time to parse through them before she is returned to the hivemind’s influence. 

Horde Prime’s hand moves from her neck to the top of her head and he pets her adoringly. Instantly, Catra is reassured again. She can’t believe her trust in him ever wavered. Of course he still wants her. He only pretended not to in the hopes that he could draw out She-Ra. It had all been an act, and she is so relieved to have his assurance. 

“Ah, but you two must have a lot of catching up to do. I will leave you to it. Let me know when you’re ready to make a deal.” 

As Horde Prime walks away, along with the brothers who had escorted Catra to him, Catra hears his voice in her head again. _“There is no hope for her, Catra. She will never willingly come to my light. Force her into submission, or destroy her while trying.”_

_“Yes, Lord Prime,”_ she responds, unsheathing her claws as she smiles at Adora. 

At first when she is fighting, she only means to subdue Adora. To kill her would mean that there is one person that Horde Prime could not sway into his light, and Catra does not want to be responsible for such a blight on his reign. And yet, the longer they fight, the more Catra starts to slip through the cracks. Adora’s touch is familiar to her; more familiar than Horde Prime’s is. She starts to remember who she used to be. When she tells Adora that everything is already okay, and that Horde Prime has taken her pain from her, she does it more to remind herself than she does to convince Adora.

She knows that Horde Prime can feel her doubt creeping in. No matter what she does, she cannot push the thoughts away. She knows that Horde Prime will punish her for them, and she knows that she deserves it. 

She is about to break down in Adora’s embrace, but before it can happen, Horde Prime’s consciousness merges with her own. She hears his voice come from her mouth, feels him using her claws to tear at Adora’s body. **_“Oh, Adora. How long will you drag this out?”_**

She is barely able to form her own thoughts anymore, but Catra cannot help wondering the same question to herself. Why is Adora fighting her like this? Why will she not bring She-Ra out? She-Ra could easily kill Catra, especially in her current state. What was the use in trying to break through to Catra? Why does Adora insist on causing her so much suffering? 

**_“You will destroy the ones you love in the process.”_ **

Catra does not understand what Horde Prime has said this time. As far as she knows, Adora has come here alone or been captured. Adora does not love her. Horde Prime must know that. It is the reason why she suffered before he cleansed her. 

Her consciousness slips away entirely for a long time. When she regains it, it is because she has been cut off from the hivemind again. Just for a moment. When it comes back, she feels her adoration for Horde Prime surging once again. It doesn’t last for long this time, though. Neither herself nor Horde Prime are capable of controlling her consciousness and emotions any longer. They are both in Adora’s hands. Adora does not know this, and she does not know how dangerous it is. 

_my love has concrete feet, my love’s an iron ball_

_wrapped around your ankles over the waterfall_

_my love has concrete feet, my love’s an iron ball_

_wrapped around your ankles over the waterfall_

Adora is so wrapped up in trying not to hurt Catra—trying to push her away—that she does not realize how close she is to literally pushing Catra over the edge until it is too late. Catra stumbles, her heels barely stabilizing her just before she can fall off the rail-less platform they’ve been fighting on. Adora’s heart skips a beat as she cries out “Catra!”

Catra takes a second to steady herself, but after hearing the terror in Adora’s voice, she looks down into the pit behind her. A wicked grin creeps across her face and she turns to look at Adora again, cackling. With wide eyes and her heart pounding like it is about to explode, Adora realizes what Catra will do before she tries to do it.

She knows it’s a trick. Catra has done this so many times before, Adora has lost count. It scares Adora to death every time. Every time she is afraid that Catra has miscalculated, that she’s taking a risk she hasn’t considered all the variables for, or that she knows the odds aren’t in her favor but just doesn’t care anymore. But somehow, Catra manages to land on her feet every time. That’s just the kind of person she is.

Still, Adora falls for it every time. This was not going to be the exception. Even if Catra knew what she was doing, even if she was only doing it because she knew that Adora would try to save her, Adora didn’t know how useful Horde Prime thought Catra really was. She didn’t know that Horde Prime would let Catra land on her feet this time, even if she did manage to bring Adora down. 

Catra takes a step backwards and starts to fall. Adora tries to scream but it comes out as a mangled gasp. She lunges forward and grabs Catra’s arms so tightly her knuckles turn white. She starts to cry as she pulls Catra to her chest, and to her surprise, Catra falls into her without hesitation. Adora hugs her closer and breathes a sigh of relief.

She feels Catra’s hand move to her back, but before she can react to it she is sent into a state of shock. She seizes up in pain as Catra’s claws tear into her back and drag down her skin. The pain is quickly overtaken by horrified suspicion. Something is very wrong, more wrong than it was before. She knows that Catra isn’t herself right now, but she swears she could feel a change in Catra’s aura. The way she used her claws just then wasn’t like her at all. This was far beyond just being under Horde Prime’s control.

**_“Oh, Adora. How long will you drag this out?”_** Catra whispers in her ear, but it is not only Catra’s voice that Adora hears. It is Horde Prime’s voice being spoken from Catra’s mouth. Catra takes her claws out of Adora’s back and holds her at arm’s length. When Adora looks into her eyes, they are no longer a blank green. A feeling of nauseating dread unlike anything she’s ever felt before overwhelms her when she realizes she can see Horde Prime in them. He gives her a warning that is clearly too little too late. **_“You will destroy the ones you love in the process.”_**

He uses Catra’s body to knee her in the stomach, then drags her to the platform’s edge and holds her out over it. She is too stunned to fight back. Her head is spinning, her heart is aching, and she does not have much fight left in her.

**_“She was afraid in the end, and she suffered.”_** Adora watches him raise Catra’s arm, gazing lazily at her hand and claws as if he is examining how good she looks on him. As if he is simply trying her on. **_“Perhaps I will make her my new vessel. Though, she would not last me long. What do you think…”_**

“...Adora?”

Horde Prime’s countenance disappears from Catra’s eyes, but she is still not herself. Adora is filled with rage at the thought that Horde Prime would use Catra like that; would possess and purposefully destroy her body knowing that it wasn’t strong enough to withstand his energy. She would never let that happen. She knows that Horde Prime is losing his grip on Catra. She knows that she can still get Catra out. She just has to keep trying. 

She yells out in anger, grabs hold of Catra’s arms and forces herself back onto the platform. She throws Catra into the giant glass screen behind Horde Prime’s throne, realizing that she is going to have to hurt Catra if she wants to snap Catra out of this. And it works. Catra breaks through the green haze again, but only for a moment. Adora’s resolve is hardened even further. 

“I am _not_ giving up on you, Catra!”

“Then you’re a fool,” Catra tells her, falling back under Horde Prime’s spell. “You cannot stop Horde Prime. He will reign triumphant over all the universe. It is… destiny.” 

Catra’s voice is not as dreamy as it has been before. Adora knows that something is wrong. Catra is trying to get back to her. But Horde Prime seems to notice, too. The chip on the back of Catra’s neck starts to malfunction, electrocuting Catra and causing her to scream. 

“No!” Adora pulls Catra into her arms, away from the screen behind them. It has slowly become more and more cracked since Adora slammed Catra into it and it is starting to malfunction along with the chip. Adora gets the sense that it won’t last much longer. She takes Catra and runs behind it just before the two of them can be caught in its explosion. 

The blast still sends them flying. Adora shields Catra’s body from the fall as much as she can, but the blast was too close to them for her to keep her grip on Catra. She sits up and quickly pulls Catra close to her again, examining the chip on her neck. Catra rolls over, writhing in discomfort, and opens her eyes. When she does so, they are _her_ eyes. This time, they don’t vanish as quickly as they appear. 

“ _Adora,”_ she hisses, but not with malice. With concern. “You should have stayed _away,_ ” she continues to scold. Then, she says something that completely decimates Adora’s heart. “Why did you come back? We both _know_ I don’t matter!” 

Catra barely finishes her sentence before Adora places her hand on Catra’s cheek and cuts her off. “You matter to _me!_ ” She has never responded to anything more quickly in her life. She never had an answer that was as definitive and instinctive as this one. She can’t believe that Catra didn’t think that she would come back for her. She can’t believe that Catra didn’t think she cared. 

Tears well up in Catra’s eyes and she smiles, genuinely—a sight that Adora didn’t think she would ever get to see again. But _again_ their happiness is taken from them. The green returns to Catra’s eyes and she sits up, smacking Adora away from her. She begins to walk away, but she is struggling. She is trying so hard not to give in to Horde Prime’s control. Adora stands and follows her.

“Come on, Catra!” she yells, her voice shaking with anguish, with fear, with fury. “You’ve _never_ listened to anyone in your _life!_ Are you really going to start now!?”

Catra turns to look at her again, and she is herself. “You’re _such_ an idiot,” she says. Her voice is also shaking, but she is smiling again.

Adora smiles back. She starts to cry. “Yeah, I-I kno-w!”

Catra laughs, and Adora can tell that laughing to herself is the only way Catra is preventing Horde Prime from getting back in. Catra wraps her arms around herself and holds herself tightly. Adora tries to get closer.

“I’m going to take you home!” she says. It is more of a plea than a vow.

Catra looks at her again. She is no longer smiling. _“Promise?”_ she begs.

“I _promise!_ ” Adora says. She reaches her hand out to Catra. She knows that as soon as Catra takes it, there will be no way Horde Prime can take her back.

“Adora…” Catra whispers, and she reaches longingly for Adora’s hand.

She never reaches it. Horde Prime uses the last of the grip that he has on Catra to take control of her once more. Adora sees his eyes in hers again. His glare feels like poison seeping into her veins. **_“Disappointing. Some creatures are destined only for destruction.”_**

With that, he leaves her. And yet, he does not go without taking her with him. The chip on Catra’s neck begins to pulse and shock violently. Before Adora can reach her, she falls over the edge, into Horde Prime’s abyss.

“No!” Adora runs to the edge of the platform and watches Catra fall. Her decision to follow is as swift and decisive as her proclamation that Catra mattered to her. She doesn’t care what awaits her at the bottom. She doesn’t care if she survives at all. She just knows that she isn’t going to let Horde Prime take Catra from her. She isn’t going to let Catra be alone.

_i’m so heavy, heavy, heavy in your arms_

_i’m so heavy, heavy, so heavy in your arms_

When Catra opens her eyes as she is falling to her death, it is more of an accident than anything. She doesn’t want to look at the ceiling of Horde Prime’s ship as she is falling. She doesn’t want to acknowledge that she is going to die aboard his ship, and she is dying because she had been his slave and he had found her no longer useful. She doesn’t want to think about the fact that she is dying because she hadn’t been strong enough to take Adora’s hand before it was too late.

But when she opens her eyes, it isn’t the ceiling or the underbelly of Horde Prime’s throne that she sees. It is Adora, falling right along with her, still determined to save her. Catra would laugh if she had the strength. Adora really was a goddamned idiot. 

Still, Catra can’t say it doesn’t bring her comfort. Maybe she is being selfish, for she knows that when she hits the ground her last life will leave her. She’s been keeping track of them, like any smart cat does. Adora is strong and resourceful enough to survive the fall. She will see Catra’s broken, still body, and she will have to live with the knowledge that she couldn’t save Catra. That she tried as hard as she could and it still wasn’t enough. She will blame herself for the rest of her life for it.

It isn’t that Catra wants Adora to go through that. She wishes that she had had more time—that she could have apologized again. She wants Adora to know that none of this was her fault, and Catra can finally see that now. She has so many regrets, and she knows that Adora will have them, too. 

But at least she can say that she will be able to die in peace. She will die knowing that she isn’t alone, that Adora came back for her, and that Adora cares about her. She will die as herself, knowing that she was strong enough to fight off Horde Prime’s control over her. She will die knowing that she did one good thing in her life. She just hopes that after she is gone, Adora can still escape.

She closes her eyes again just before she hits the ground, grateful that Adora is the last thing she ever gets to see.

_this will be my last confession, “i love you” never felt like any blessing_

_oh_

_whispering like it’s a secret only to condemn the one who hears it_

_with a heavy heart_

_Catra awakes to the feeling of a thin, dirty blanket pulled around her. She feels the familiar stiffness of a Horde bunker room sleeping mat underneath her and realizes she is sitting on one. She doesn’t know why she is there, how she survived, or how she got back to the Fright Zone. She just feels an overwhelming loneliness. Like she doesn’t belong. Like there isn’t one single person in the world that cares about her. The agony of it is suffocating and soul-crushing._

_“Catra?” she hears a voice call. It is familiar to her, but she can’t yet place it. It is a memory in the back of her mind that she can’t quite unlock._

_She senses a presence sit down in front of her. It pulls the blanket away from her face, but all she can see is a staticy figure where she knows a person should be. “Catra, it’s okay. It’s just me.” the voice says. The memory seems like it is trying harder to swim to the surface._

_The figure moves until it is sitting beside her. “It doesn’t matter what they do to us, you know? You look out for me, and I look out for you.” She feels the brush of a hand on her shoulder, pushing her almost playfully. “Nothing **really** bad can happen as long as we have each other.” _

_Catra’s lips move before she has the chance to think about it. With a start, she realizes why this all seems so familiar to her. She realizes she’s done this all before. “You promise?” she murmurs._

_“I promise,” the voice says. It is distorted in the beginning but becomes crystal clear as the figure reveals itself. The static dissipates and Catra sees a small gap-toothed Adora sitting next to her, trying to wrap her arms all the way around grown Catra’s torso._

_The scene shifts. Catra is sitting away from Adora, trying to hide herself behind boxes and crates that she is clearly too big to hide behind anymore. Adora is still a child, though she seems to have aged ever so slightly. There is a clawmark on her face. Catra’s ears turn downwards when she notices. She remembers causing that mark. A sharp pain surges through her head and there is a flash of time in which they are standing together in Horde Prime’s throne room and Catra has her claws digging into Adora’s back. The vision dissipates before Catra can try to pull away and she is back behind the boxes again._

_“I **am** your friend, Catra. I’m **always** gonna be your friend!”_

_Catra realizes that somehow, she is standing now. She is back in the corridors of Horde Prime’s ship. She looks down at little Adora, who is holding her hand out for Catra to take. In time-lapse speed, Catra sees Adora slowly get older and older, sees every time that Adora held out her hand for Catra to take. She remembers all of the times she didn’t do it. All the times she had the option to trust Adora, to look past her own insecurities and believe that Adora had only ever loved her and wanted what was best for her. All the times she had the option to walk away and become a better person. Finally, she sees Adora with her hair down, bruised and beaten, tears streaming down her face with her hand out towards Catra._

_“I’m going to take you home. I **promise!** ”_

_Catra reaches out to take Adora’s hand faster than she has ever reached for anything in her life, and it still isn’t fast enough. The further Catra reaches towards her, the further Adora seems to be moved away. Catra tries to run to her, but the ground falls out beneath her feet and she is left plummeting into an unseeable void._

When Catra hits the ground in her dream is when she wakes up in the real world. Though, she doesn’t know if she can call it being awake. Breathing is painful. She can’t seem to open her eyes. Her body feels heavy and immovable. 

It takes her a moment to decipher through the pain that she is not lying on the cold hard ground. She isn’t alone, either. Unmistakably, Adora’s arms are around her, trying to keep her safe. 

For so long, Catra thought that Adora had broken all of her promises. That Adora had been lying to her and that Adora had just left her the moment she had a chance to. She thought that Adora had just left her behind to endlessly be punished by Shadow Weaver and didn’t care that she would be broken by it. It took her so long to realize that she had been holding herself back and creating a false image of betrayal because Shadow Weaver had conditioned her to believe that Adora would outgrow her someday.

It wasn’t a comfort to know that she was wrong now. Adora had never broken any promises to her, and she was going to die trying not to break this one. Catra had tried so hard to save her, to make sure that she _didn’t_ die like this. She’d rescued Glimmer and sent Glimmer far, far away so that Adora wouldn’t have to come anywhere near here. But Adora came for her anyways, even after she had done everything she possibly could to drive Adora away. 

Catra didn’t understand what she’d done to deserve this much unhappiness in her life. She’d been groomed her whole life into believing that she might as well have been nothing more than a toy that Adora would get bored with and that she had no inherent worth or meaning. Now that she finally knew how much she mattered to Adora, it was a curse that had doomed them both to die. 

_“Go away! I don’t want you here! Just get out of here you idiot!”_ Catra wanted to scream, even though it would hurt. She wanted to push Adora away for good, because then at least Adora would save herself. But Catra couldn’t say anything. She was barely staying alive. So Adora continued to hold her, and the Horde slowly closed in on them.

_heavy, heavy, i’m so heavy in your arms_

_i’m so heavy, heavy, i’m so heavy in your arms_

_i’m so heavy, heavy, i’m so heavy in your arms_

_i’m so heavy, heavy, i’m so heavy in your arms_

Adora blinks her eyes open and finds herself staring at the ceiling of Horde Prime’s ship. She doesn’t bother herself with questions of where she is, how long she’s been out, or if she’s okay. She just wants to know where Catra is. 

She looks around until her eyes fall upon Catra; her body lifeless and twisted, lying just a few feet away from her. Adora gasps and rushes to her feet, but her whole body aches and she can barely stand. She falls to the ground again and crawls pitifully towards Catra, knowing that she won’t be able to run or even walk. “Catra…!” she whispers heavily, her eyes darting over Catra’s still frame to find any sign of life. 

“Catra…?” she says again, louder this time, as she sits up and pulls Catra into her arms. To her surprised yet obvious relief, she feels the faint rise and fall of Catra’s chest. She’s still breathing. Barely. “It’s okay,” she soothes, trying not to start crying again, “I’m here.” 

Adora can’t help it. She buries her face deep into Catra’s shoulder, holding Catra tight and petting her hair. She can’t stop crying. 

She doesn’t even get a minute alone with Catra before she can feel Horde Prime’s clones circle around her.

“I am sorry for the needless waste, Adora. It did not have to be like this.” His voice is gentle and sympathetic, like he is consoling her for something in which he took no part of. Adora would be filled with rage towards him if she wasn’t already filled with so much guilt towards herself.

“Are you ready to cooperate?” he asks.

Adora takes a moment, takes a breath, inhaling Catra’s scent. Catra is broken, her breathing is ragged, but for now, she is still alive. Adora has a promise to keep. She is going to bring Catra home, or she is going to die trying.

_i was a heavy heart to carry, my beloved was weighed down_

_my arms around her neck, my fingers laced to crown_

_i was a heavy heart to carry but she never let me down_

_when she had me in her arms, my feet never touched the ground_

In the darkness, Catra sees a blinding light behind her eyelids. An energy unlike anything she has ever felt before pulses through her and fills the atmosphere around her. It feels warm, it feels safe, it feels like home. It feels like an ocean of strong, powerful love washing over her, but she does not drown. She floats on top of it, basking in it, knowing she was always meant to be there.

And, unmistakably, she feels Adora’s arm around her. She feels herself lifted from the ground. She feels herself carried, guarded, _held._ She is jostled around. She knows that Adora is fighting for her life, trying to escape, but she doesn’t let go of Catra. Not even for a moment does Catra touch the ground, nor is she touched by any of the ghouls that wish to possess her. 

There is a confidence in Adora that Catra has never felt before. She-Ra had granted her power, strength, courage, but Catra has always felt that Adora is not herself when she is She-Ra. She is never sure of herself when she is She-Ra. But this time, it is different. 

This time, Adora knows who she is and what she wants. She knows the power she possesses, and she knows fully how to wield it. And though Catra keeps trying to find some way around it, keeps trying to assert to herself that she is undeserving, and selfish for even thinking this way, she knows that Adora is doing this for her. She knows that this confidence comes from Adora’s love; from Adora’s need to protect her. 

All this time, Catra had hated She-Ra so much. She had been so jealous of She-Ra. So sure that She-Ra had taken Adora away from her and that if she could destroy She-Ra, she could get Adora back. Now, in this moment, she finally learns that Adora and She-Ra are not two separate entities. They are one in the same. But she thinks it took Adora just as much time to realize. 

There is a break in the jostling and the fighting. Catra feels herself slipping away again. She doesn’t know how much time she has left. She doesn’t know if even after all of this, she will be able to survive. But she knows that Adora will survive, and she knows that Adora has found herself, and she knows that Adora cares about her. Maybe she wasn’t wrong to make Adora promise, after all.

The last thing she feels before she can feel no more is Adora’s grip on her shifting; Adora’s arms moving underneath her knees and supporting her around her back. Adora is carrying her bridal-style away from the carnage of the Horde soldiers. Catra curls herself against Adora’s chest, wanting the last thing she hears to be the steady beating of Adora’s heart. 

_i’m so heavy, heavy in your arms_

_heavy_

_i’m so heavy in your arms_

**Author's Note:**

> I've been making myself a pretty extensive Catradora playlist on Spotify recently, and even though I love all of the songs I've put on it, I just kept coming back to this one. I couldn't stop thinking about just how well "Heavy in Your Arms" just entirely encapsulated chipped!catra and "Save the Cat", I just kept having these visions of an animatic I would make if I had any skill at drawing. Unfortunately I don't, but I do tend to feel like I am pretty good at writing, so here we are. I know songfics aren't exactly in style anymore, but I feel like if any fandom can bring them back, it's definitely the SPoP fandom.
> 
> This really just turned into a huge character/episode analysis, which is apparently my favorite thing to do when writing about She-Ra. But really, Crew-Ra gave us so many complex characters and emotions to work with, it's a fanfic writer's heaven. Also, Chipped!Catra hits my exact angst fetish. I'm a huge fan of brainwashing used as an angst device, or tricking/forcing lovers into fighting each other somehow and neither of them wanting to hurt each other/one of them not wanting to hurt the other but being forced to do so. I also just really wanted to explore Catra being chipped and how she felt, what Horde Prime forced her to think, the invasiveness of having someone else controlling and being able to see all of your thoughts at any given moment. I love writing villains and Horde Prime has come to be my favorite villain to write.
> 
> I hope you guys like this fic. I'm going to be working on my multichapter fic again very soon, but school also just started and I do also have a job, so please be patient with me. AO3 doesn't really give us a space to post updates or announcements, so if you're interested in seeing the status of my fics/seeing sneak previews of them before I post them, I encourage you to follow me on my Instagram, or twitter, which are both in my profile. 
> 
> Also, if for some godforsaken reason you have never heard "Heavy in Your Arms" by Florence + The Machine, PLEASE give it a listen. It will hurt you, especially if you are thinking about Catradora.
> 
> If you liked this fic, please consider leaving me a comment! I really appreciate it <3 Thanks so much guys, I love you all <3


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